You’ve just come home to find your significant other is “working” late yet again. You’ve been resisting the urge to look at the internet history on your computer because you’re concerned it’ll only confirm you worst fears. You’ve noticed the late nights keep getting later and later. You’ve noticed you’re being seduced less and less. You’re beginning to feel as attractive as Michael Jackson post his 90th plastic surgery or Gilbert Grape’s mother. You finally decide that maybe it’s time to check your spouse’s credit card statements to see your spouse is lying about the long nights at work. You find a few things on there that don’t make sense, but you aren’t sure what is a sign that your spouse should come home to find the house re-keyed, or if you are simply overreacting. According to a new survey conducted on the, oh so wonderfully immoral website ashleymadison.com (which by the way is a website for men looking to cheat on their wives) the things you should be weary of are (you can check out the entire list here):
- Expensive Chain Steak Restaurants: If your spouse is a man who’s buying the girl steak, he’s probably expecting her to put out. If your spouse is a woman doing the wooing, she knows he’ll put out for steak. Truthfully, one can’t go wrong when it comes to a good steak, unless he or she is having an affair with a vegetarian. With it being low carb, the paramour (that’s fancy for lover) is less likely to gain some chub. It’s a win-win. It seems fancy, but since it’s a chain, it’s probably not too fancy. Examples of the favorite places in the survey that are in Birmingham: Ruth’s Chris ,Outback, Red Lobster ,and Flemings
- Chain restaurants in general: These places are crowded, so your spouse is less likely to get noticed. Then, if they are noticed, there’s the old standby of “Well, why would I be so stupid as to be out in public with someone if I were cheating?” Examples of the favorite places in the survey that are in Birmingham: Chili’s, P.F. Changs and Cheesecake Factory
- Hotels: The thing is, these restaurants probably aren’t the golden ticket to proving that your spouse is cheating. Unless there is a hotel nearby, the probability of the cheating isn’t very high. Working up an appetite at work isn’t unheard of, but working one up then going to eat at a Chili’s with a Holiday Inn attached is a flashing warning sign. The survey pointed out that most of these dark lovely steakhouses and restaurants were usually pretty close to a hotel, because we all know what comes after a good steak and a few glasses of wine.
- Anything over 20 miles from your house: Drama in the suburbs = many successful seasons of desperate housewives. No one is stupid enough to cheat in public in their own neighborhood. I take that back. Most people who are able to hide their cheating, won’t do it in their own neighborhood. They will choose a place in the busy part of town, while their spouse is at home with the kids. They will choose a place that is dark and crowded with strangers. That way they aren’t risking a drink in the face, a foot to the crotch, or a phone call to a divorce attorney.