Women are hesitant to divorce and fear divorce for different reasons. Their fears go back to years and years of being seen as the man’s property. They were seen as some sort of obedient creature that men could disrespect yet who would hold on strong for the sake of financial security, family security, and self-preservation. Ace & TJ had a segment on a few months ago in which they discussed the 7 ways to keep your man happy from some article from the 1950’s. It ranged from let your man stray to don’t talk to wear pink panties.
Of course, on the show, the conversation eventually went to the divorce rate back then to the divorce rate now. Well, it has grown. Why? Because women no longer feel like they NEED those kinds of men. Women have gained their independence because they now work, and they have fought and continue to fight for equality in the work place. They feel empowered and able to take control of their lives without having to depend on their man’s income. The laws behind child support, alimony, and custody began to support women’s chances of being out on their own. The legal system supported the woman’s right not to wear pink ruffly panties while her husband ran off with the Marilyn look alike only to come home expecting silence and a hot home cooked meal. Essentially, all things came together to pave the road to leave that jerk with the wandering eye in the dust to clean up his own mess.
However, as much as I’d love to say long gone are the days of Madmen, JFK type playboys, women still fear divorce. Why? Here’s a few reasons:
- If I leave him, I’ll have no money and no way of having a career. Perhaps you’re the woman who stayed at home, gave up a career to raise his children, and he decided that Kandi was too good of a catch to leave alone. He begins working late, and you’re left taking care of the children alone. Well, the courts take that little triste into account. If you’ve been raising kids, and keeping the house to the detriment of your future financial stability, while he’s been spending some time playing Kandi crush, you’ve got a good argument for alimony.
- If I leave him, I won’t have money for an attorney. This is a hard one. Attorneys cannot work for free. Just like everyone else, we have to get paid for what we do for a living, or we can’t put food on our table. However, check out our blog on How to Pay For Your Attorney. You can borrow money, you can use money out of your joint account, you could even pick up a few gift cards every time you go grocery shopping. You can’t afford to not hire an attorney. You need someone to get you a hearing ASAP to get you some temporary support until your final hearing.
- I’m afraid he will get visitation and not know how to take care of the children. You’ve got to get past this. You didn’t know what to do when you two first had your child either. It’s one thing if he doesn’t care to learn. However, if he’s working hard to make a difference with your children, let him. He’s half of them too! Teach him how to be a father if you don’t think he knows how. If you trust a 16 year old kid from high school to babysit your children while you two had date night, but you don’t trust your adult husband, you should reevaluate your trust process. If he doesn’t really care to learn, then you’ll get them back sooner than you wanted. So much for girl’s night out!
- I’m afraid of being single. Women are all about fairytales and happy endings. They have worked hard to be with the perfect man and have the perfect wedding. Then, once they realize he’s a dirty slimy frog, they don’t want him anymore, but they’re scared to go looking again. Well, don’t be. It’s scary, but isn’t it scarier to wake up next to a monster each day? Or even worse, wake up feeling no passion whatsoever. You deserve to feel excited about life and love. You deserve another chance. Check out match.com or any other dating site (of course after the divorce is over) and find Prince Charming! Then, get a prenuptial agreement before you remarry.
- Our divorce will negatively affect our children. You will likely be badmouthing each other, and fighting constantly if you’re having a contested divorce. This feeling is real because parents often bring their children into the middle of the divorce. Instead, try co-parenting. If you two can work together to look for what’s best for your children, the impact will be lessened and you two will be able to get through this divorce without wanting to kill each other. Your children will understand one day if you learn to be adults. If you don’t and you constantly bicker, it will negative affect them. You should worry. Try getting a parenting coordinator or a counselor. These people will help the entire family be a cohesive unit even if it’s a cohesive but separate unit.