Often times, when our clients are in the midst of a contested case, they will call our office absolutely in a tiff about something that their soon-to-be-ex has told them. After years of lies and manipulation, you’d think that they would trust the other side as far as they could throw them, but there is something about the divorce process that takes logical people and makes them think that they should listen to their ex’s statements about their lawyers, the process, and the Judge. Listen, I get it, the divorce process is a dark and terrifying place with a lot of unknowns. However, at what point does it make sense to listen to the one person seeking for you to fail? There is this Gin Blossoms song that comes on and sometimes I wish we could have it play on our call waiting for our clients. I can’t help but use these little lyrics to provide a motto for anyone during their contested family law matter:
I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you (hear it from you)
Until I hear it from you (hear it from you)
I can’t let it get me off
Or break up my train of thought
As far as I know nothing’s wrong
Until I hear it from you
Here’s our response to our clients, and hopefully this analysis of the enemy will help you survive the next attempted manipulation:
Your soon-to-be-ex wants to divide you and your lawyer. One of the biggest things that we see in our cases that causes doubt in our clients are the proclamations about them having a superior lawyer. They will attempt to scare you by trying to convince you that their lawyer is better, more experienced, and will surely win. They will try to scare you that your lawyer is inexperienced, or less experienced than theirs. They will try to convince you that perhaps their lawyer is better because they have to pay more. Perhaps, they will tell you that the Judge allegedly hates your lawyer. In our case, they will refer to us as those “girls” or “young ladies.” Maybe they want to point out how their lawyer’s office is so much nicer than yours or in the right area. No matter what happens, this is the equivalent of the stories on playgrounds about who’s dad is better. Chill. You did your research. Don’t let them think that they’re going to get in your head and make you feel you made the wrong decision. If they’re paying twice as much as you, then at least you’re getting a deal. Trust your gut when it comes to hiring and don’t let them control who fights them.
Your soon-to-be-ex wants to be in your head. They want you to do what they want you to do. They’re going to say whatever they need to say to get you where they want you. It’s emotional abuse, and it’s sad. Don’t let them win. If you’re constantly doubting yourself, your case strategy, or your lawyer, then you’re setting yourself up to fail. If they want you to think you have no case to win custody and want you to go away, they might ask you if you really think you can prove your burden. They might make it seem like you’re the only one with a case. Why? Because they want you to tuck your tail between your legs, bury your evidence and let it go.
Your soon-to-be-ex is not on your team. Once upon a time, they might have been your best friend, your love and your spouse. However, they are not that person anymore. Contested cases bring out the worst in people, and that person that you loved, well, there’s a reason you’re no longer together. They may say things to you as if they’re giving you loving advice or warning you of how things will go, but they’re not here to help you. You’re fighting that person. Would you expect your opponent in poker to tell you the truth if all of your combined possessions were at stake? I didn’t think so. Learn to block them out! Start humming the Gin Blossoms and tell them that you don’t want to take advice from fools.